Well, I continue to do a cruddy job of keeping up on my blog posts. I am doing an even poorer job of keeping up on finishing my novel.
In my last post, I detailed Matt and my wedding, our honeymoon extravaganza, and talked a bit about married life as it has been for him and I.
The other major recent news has been that I am now gainfully employed by the Office of Graduate and Extended Learning at my university. I worked diligently for the past two years, as a student leader and employee, with hopes of this happening. Lo and behold, dreams have come true!
That being said, I am quite content with my life lately. I am married to Matt, like I’ve wanted to be. I am working where I wanted to be working. I am living in my hometown, where I wanted to be living. My parents and siblings are 5 minutes away… my friends only a little further… and my church not too far beyond that. The internet connects me with most of what I seem to feel I need anyways…but days like today cause me to wonder if I am allowing myself to “need” the right things, and if those needs aren’t in fact truly “wants.”
Let’s talk about the “need” to be respected because there are times that I fear that, despite how hard I have worked and the extent to which I have put myself out there and built/nurtured relationships, this isn’t happening. Do I really need to be respected, or does my ego WANT to feel respected?
I got exceptionally angry today over things that, in the scheme of things, are trivial. They will probably be ongoing issues and will likely continue to irk me, but aren’t I an adult, and even more importantly a follower of Christ?
I didn’t behave like one today.
I didn’t think like one today.
My heart didn’t reflect the intentions of one today.
There is my confession. Here is another.
Most of the time, I genuinely have a compulsion to listen to the problems of those that I care about and try to help them solve them. In the past, I have wound up occasionally feeling like the friendships were one-sided and like all we ever talked about was things going on in their lives. It really used to bother me, but it doesn’t anymore.
I think that this still happens sometimes, but not at all to the staggering degree that it used to, and I don’t feel like I have a single one-sided relationship in my life at the moment. What is bothering me, though, is that I feel like there are times that I want to be the one that explodes…the one that vents for long periods of time unapologetically…and like I can’t.
I feel like I can’t because of guilt of my own, because I know that it is wrong for me to be laying all of my burdens on someone else. I feel like I can’t because people don’t want to hear it. I feel like I can’t because it is weak to want to.
But these aren’t the reasons why I can’t. These aren’t the reasons why I shouldn’t. These aren’t the reasons that it is wrong.
The reason I can’t and shouldn’t, and the reasons why I DO have guilt over this issue, is because I should be laying my burdens on Christ. I should be coming to Christ with them first, my husband second, my family third, and my friends last. And for many things, all of those people don’t need to know the gritty details of the melodrama of my life. So this is what I should be doing right? Coming to Christ with my burdens, fears, hopes, dreams, confessions, love….
Well, here’s what I’m doing: Coming to my friends with those things… my husband with the good parts… my family with a bit of both… the internet with certain parts depending on how I’m feeling… and to Christ with everything on Sundays.
There’s that confession.
A friend of mine confessed a lot of things before our congregation on Sunday…all much “smaller” sins than many of us are hiding in our closets, hearts and minds… and she said it had been on her heart to tell us that a lukewarm Christian is a sinful one.
God has blessed me with all of these things… a family that loves me unconditionally, a new husband who also does, a happy marriage with a strong foundation, a new job that came almost out of nowhere, a handful of faithful friends who share their lives with me… and I don’t even take the time to say “Hi” to Him regularly anymore, let alone “Thank you.”
I was a jerk today. I was a jerk in my mind, a jerk in my heart, with a jerk’s mouths spewing out jerky words and wondering why people didn’t want to just put up with and console me endlessly.
Tomorrow I’m going to be a follower of Christ and maybe, just maybe, if you’re still willing to pay attention to me…you’ll be able to tell.