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My Life

Guilt: You Won’t Get It Out of Me

Until moments ago, this was a post about the things and people that I have had to adjust to the idea of saying goodbye to in May…. But more specifically, about the people I need to say goodbye to now.

As time passes, the sun has risen on what these people really are in my life, shedding light on the gap between what they are… what they claim to be.. And what I wanted them to be.

I have been blessed with many things as of late. I have been reminded of how much Matt and I love eachother. I have been reminded how much my family and I love eachother. I have been reminded of how my talents and efforts have actually helped some people, and of how my work is not yet done serving others. I have been reminded of the gift that I have… The gift of writing.

I have been reminded of who my best friend is, and has been all along. I have been reminded of how I take her for granted at times, and of how important it is that we continue to invest in and love eachother like we have all of these years.

I have learned that there are a few people, who I truly care about, that really aren’t worthy of the time and effort I have spent trying to keep these relationships alive. Why? Because they take me for granted, and they want to see me fail.

I am human. I have failed and I will again. That can be counted upon. The other thing that can be counted upon is that, starting tomorrow when I get on that train to Washington DC, those people will no longer be privvy to my successes, my failures, my happiness, nor my sorrow.

There are a few things that I will not be in this life. I will not be ashamed or “in the closet” about being a follower of Jesus Christ or anything that commitment entails. I will not be intentionally and consciously hateful, especially out of my own discontent or insecurities. Lastly, I will not be sorry for the blessings and successes that I have had, and I will not be in the future.

My best friend reminded me today what it is like to have a real, true friend. She shared stories about her life and what she has been up to, both bad AND good… She listened as I did the same. She was genuinely excited and curious about my recent publications, which is a HUGE accomplishment that is directly related to my dreams and the direction I need to go to see them realized, and she was truly excited and happy for me. We talked about our careers, our families, our significant others, our coworkers, our work, our social lives, our diets, our God, the wedding, our trips next week…

It was a real conversation between two people who actually care about one another enough to make an effort and put themselves aside for long enough to show it.

It was the best conversation I’ve had with a friend since I saw her last, and it was great!

My future husband, my family, my relationship with Christ, my small group, my best friend, my commitments at and through PNC (which I am genuinely passionate about and I don’t care if that looks stupid), and my career.

When I get on that train tomorrow, it will be with only those things in mind. Everything else… I am leaving behind as that train leaves the station.

Tomorrow, at precisely 7:34 p.m. Central, the version of myself that has been a doormat to be stepped on or neglected will be no longer. I have worked hard, I have been faithful to the things in life that matter, and I have self-worth. Now, it’s time to take this new attitude out for a spin, and what better city to do that in than my all-time favorite: Washington DC!?

Have fun trying to have a better week than that! Really, I hope you all succeed! And as always, thanks for reading my blog. I have a little treat that should be ready for you after tomorrow’s train ride!

-CFB

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